How not to promote your crappy self-published book, part II

I just received the following email:

My name is Sterling Nixon.  I recently published a book entitled The Sea Kings of Rome: Champions of the Naumachia through Black Rose Writing (ISBN 978-0-9825823-2-9).  The novel is appropriate for individuals 13 and up, and yet complex enough to thrill adult readers.  It is as historically accurate as it is exciting.
Publishing a book is a new experience for me and I am constantly searching for ways to increase my local exposure.  I know how influential library selections can be and I am hoping that The Sea Kings of Rome: Champions of the Naumachia is something that you will consider stocking in your library (It is available for sale on the Barnes and Noble website).  I am also interested in setting up a local Q&A at the library-if that is possible.
The Sea Kings of Rome chronicles the lives of two famous gladiators and their difficult choices between good and evil.  My book reflects the moral and ethical struggles we all encounter in life.  The Sea Kings of Rome is a story of redemption and culminates in the Roman Coliseum with an account of the only gladiatorial battle ever recorded.

Thank you for your time.  Please feel free to contact me with any questions..

You just can’t make this stuff up. I’m guessing that wherever my new buddy Sterling found me, it wasn’t from this blog… :) Maybe it was at “the library.” You know the one, The Library. Or maybe Benito Lombardi told him.

How not to promote your crappy self-published book

I’m getting more and more of these types of emails, and they’re really starting to irk me. So, here’s one from yesterday for your mocking pleasure:

I am a history professor and advisor to the local chapter of the Roman Historical Society. The Roman Historical Society is a society focused on preserving roman history by ways of education, living history, and research. I recently read a historical fiction that is detailed and painstakingly accurate regarding Roman genre. The book also details the only recorded gladiatorial fight in the Roman coliseum. I ask you to please make one or more copies of this book available in the library for the benefit of our members. The book is entitled “The Sea Kings of Rome – Champions of the Naumachia” – ISBN 978-0-9825823-2-9.
Thank you in advance,
Dr. Benito Lombardi

Uh huh. First of all, “Dr. Benito Lombardi,” I don’t work in “the library.” (You know — THE library.) In fact, I don’t work in any library. The fact that you can use Google and found my name associated with the word “library” somewhere doesn’t really count. I’m glad that you enjoyed reading “a historical fiction,” but here’s a current fiction: You aren’t “Dr. Benito Lombardi.” In fact, I’m pretty sure that your real name is Sterling Nixon, and that you enjoy writing repetitive 5-star reviews of your own book on Barnes & Noble. (Psst — try Amazon next; more people will see them there.)

And as for Black Rose Writing, there’s a classy vanity publisher. I can’t decide what I like better: The owner’s 5-star reviews of his own books and other Black Rose-related books on Amazon, or their fancy website full of grammatical errors and misspellings.

I’m pleased to see that no WorldCat libraries own this title yet. Here’s one for you, “Dr. Benito Lombardi” — no one buy this. This belongs in no libraries, partially because if it’s written as badly as this email (ooh! and the author’s blog!) it has no place in a library, and partially because liars shouldn’t be rewarded.

How not to do social media

So in my nonlibrary life (which keeps me so busy that I hardly post here any more), I run a frugality and money-saving blog over at Mashup Mom. This has been fascinating in part today because of the lessons for libraries, and for all of us, from companies that don’t do social media well. Bear with me for a minute, here.

Exhibit A: Safeway (Dominick’s, Genuardi’s, Von’s, Randall’s, Tom Thumb, other sister stores…)

This past weekend, the Safeway chain blasted subscribers with an email stating that if they became a fan on Facebook, they could come back on Monday the 7th for a free box of clementines. Cool, right? I like clementines. :) Here’s the original ad:

clementines

Pretty straightforward, no? Here’s what the promo turned into on 12/7:

freenotclementines1

Hmm. That’s not the same at all, is it. Not only that, earlier in the morning people were able to load the coupon to their cards, but it didn’t say on the coupon that it was only valid 12/8 — they went shopping, and guess what happened? No free box of clementines, that’s what happened. On Safeway’s Facebook Wall, people are reporting hold times of upwards of 30 minutes with customer service and arguments at their stores. (This begs the question of who holds for 30 minutes for a “free” $5.00 box of fruit, but…) Some people were unable to load the coupon because of technical glitches, others did their big grocery shop already for the week and were miffed about the $25 purchase requirement. Here are a few choice comments from their Wall:

  • “Not a happy customer. The coupon would not let me complete it because it was too low down on my screen and I could not submit it.”
  • “Yes, I find it interesting the way Safeway went about this promotion! Why not just say: “shop tomorrow,spend $25 and we’ll throw in a box of clementines” ?? wouldn’t that be alot easier than pissing off loyal shoppers?”
  • “”With $25 min. purchase.” is a bunch of B.S.! NOT what was advertised earlier! To say I’m displeased would be a GROSS UNDERSTATEMENT!!!”
  • “Time to un-fan. This “coupon” is not what was promised days ago. Plus, I do not have the kind of time/money where I can just zoom off to a store and spend $25 for “free” clementines.”
  • “Too difficult. Another convoluted Safeway gimmick.”
  • “This sucks with a capital S…Shame on you Safeway. I thought youu were above these underhanded tactis.”
  • “This is a horrible promotion. Why would you go through the hassel for some clemintines when you have to pay $25 for them. They are not free.”
  • “Safeway’s “FREE clementines” offer = FAIL”
  • “Incredible! I go to the link and try to register my card. The little pop up doesn’t allow me to move it so I can’t even register my card. I will by the Clementines on sale at Fry’s instead!”
  • “Does your company have anyone who checks continuity on your offers? There was no mention of a 25,000 limit on the email you sent and no meniton of haveing to buy them a certain day or with a $25 purchase. This is not responsible advertising and makes me think the people in charge of your Facebook ads are doing your sto…re a disservice by alienating us, the customers. Rethink this process. I think it backfired on you.”

Now, Safeway has started to respond to the negative comments with a generic:

Hi ____,
You can view all the details of the promotion here: http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=197386102471&ref=mf
Please let me know if you have any questions!
Thanks!

Think that’s making people happy? Anyway, you can read hundreds more here if you enjoy this sort of thing….

Exhibit B: Walgreens

Everyone’s jumping on the Facebook bandwagon lately. So Walgreens puts out a promo yesterday: Fan us on Facebook, and then come back Monday for a “special offer.” Ooh! Mystery special offer. What could it be? Well, it turned out to be free shipping, today only, not good on photos. Yawn. Apparently it’s not even working for a lot of people, and then their site went down for “system upgrades” shortly after they released the code. Here’s what their Wall now sports:

  • “Boo…this kinda sucked…not impressed or excited about this “deal!”"
  • “The code applies but then when you go to next page to put your payment info it puts shipping charge back on! This is so screwed up!”
  • “I’m taking my name off the list…very disappointed!”
  • “i signed up for this crap?! booooo”
  • “It’s not that we are ungrateful, it’s just that free shipping it’s pretty much something that most comsumers already expect – because most retailers already offer this – especially around the holidays. Sorry Walgreens – I must unfriend you as well.”
  • “Yes, bogged down and now closed…Merry Christmas Walgreens. Your sale is mega lame as everyone on the planet lives within walking distance of a Wags so free shipping is a slap in the face and now your website cannot handle the “load” of the seven people who actually want to take advantage of your “sale.” Unfriend.”
  • “Walgreens site is down. Gee thanks for the “Today Only Free Shipping”. Jerks.”

It’s not making people quite as mad as the “free” clementines, but it’s not making them happy, either. Read more here, if you’re so inclined.

Lessons for libraries (or anyone else):

So here’s what I take from this:

  1. Deliver on what you promise. If you are promising something for “free,” there had better not be a catch.
  2. Be clear as to what you’re offering. If the original Safeway promo had specified a free box of clementines with $25.00 purchase on 12/8/09 when you become a fan, people may not have liked the idea as much as “FREE CLEMENTINES.” But they would also know what they were signing up for, and could choose to fan or not fan Safeway based on accurate info. As librarians, we should be all about the accurate info, right?
  3. Don’t overhype what you’re offering. People felt let down by Walgreens because the whole idea of “mystery special offer” promised something better than a free shipping code that excludes a huge category (photos and photo gifts) of what you’d want to buy from Walgreens online.
  4. Make sure your site is robust enough to support what you’re offering. If you create a promo intending to attract thousands of fans, this probably isn’t the time to take your site down for maintenance.
  5. Check your technology across browsers and platforms. If your submit button for a major promo, for instance, is off the bottom of the screen and unclickable on some users’ machines, that’s a problem. If you use pop-ups that refuse to clear, that’s a problem.

Examples like these make me think about my own online presence and need for clarity. How does your library look?

All the news lately makes me angry — today, it’s Elsevier again

So. Who here is still writing for Elsevier? And how much do you pay for their journals and textbooks, again?

Elsevier officials said Monday that it was a mistake for the publishing giant’s marketing division to offer $25 Amazon gift cards to anyone who would give a new textbook five stars in a review posted on Amazon or Barnes & Noble. While those popular Web sites’ customer reviews have long been known to be something less than scientific, and prone to manipulation if an author has friends write on behalf of a new work, the idea that a major academic publisher would attempt to pay for good reviews angered some professors who received the e-mail pitch.Here’s what the e-mail — sent to contributors to the textbook — said:

“Congratulations and thank you for your contribution to Clinical Psychology. Now that the book is published, we need your help to get some 5 star reviews posted to both Amazon and Barnes & Noble to help support and promote it. As you know, these online reviews are extremely persuasive when customers are considering a purchase. For your time, we would like to compensate you with a copy of the book under review as well as a $25 Amazon gift card. If you have colleagues or students who would be willing to post positive reviews, please feel free to forward this e-mail to them to participate. We share the common goal of wanting Clinical Psychology to sell and succeed. The tactics defined above have proven to dramatically increase exposure and boost sales. I hope we can work together to make a strong and profitable impact through our online bookselling channels.”

Hmm. I wonder how much they’d pay me to not post a negative review? As if the Merck fake journal thing weren’t bad enough. Ooh, wait! I wonder how much the going rate in Amazon gift certificates is for five-star reviews of fake peer reviewed journals?

I guess I shouldn’t be surprised by the “anything to make a buck” mentality, but I must be naive. Idonotgeekelseviertoday. :)

Shooting ourselves in the foot

So what is it with public libraries lately? Most have never been good at marketing per se, but now it seems that every week brings us a new story about a public library doing something incredibly stupid and patron-alienating, usually having to do with kids. It’s not enough to kick out the knitting girls, now we’re carding and turning away students who want to walk across the street from their high school to use the library on their lunch hour. (Wow, would I have loved to have a library across the street from my high school! But I digress…)

It’s one thing not to market yourself, it’s another thing entirely to create your own bad publicity — especially in an age where a negative story about one library’s actions spreads to tarnish public libraries in general, and the social web encourages others to share their negative experiences as well. Every time one of these stories breaks, you can expect the comments: “I’m not surprised — because, get what my library did to me…

Let’s try really hard not give any more ammunition to the “librarians are mean; libraries are irrelevant” meme, OK?

Today’s theme: “A” is for Arrogance

… or for taken Aback. My daily online reading turned up some real gems this morning. First, let’s talk about this interview with Terry Goodkind. (Yes, it’s old, but if you didn’t see it in 2003 either, it’s new to you!) My personal favorite quotes here include these:

Because most fantasy is about world-building and magic, a lot of it is plotless and has no story. My primary interest is in telling stories that are fun to read and make people think. That puts my books in a genre all their own….

Kansas City, KS: What made you choose to leave out other common races(dwarves, elves, etc) from your books?

Terry Goodkind: Please refer to the previous answer, in which I explain that I’m not writing fantasy … My purpose is not weirdo cultural diversity. I repeat: I am writing stories about important human beings….

There’s actually very little to read today because more and more books center around characters who are either unremarkable, pathetic or reprehensible. I don’t like authors who choose to tell stories about these kinds of people. I like stories about individuals who can show the nobility of mankind.

I never did like his work, but perhaps this is because as a fantasy reader I prefer things that are “plotless and have no story.” Although “weirdo cultural diversity” has a certain ring to it as well…

Moving on to Arrogant (or Aback) example number two, today both Tame the Web and Librarian’s Rant pointed to this charming little story about a children’s knitting group getting kicked out of a library. Why?

Pamela Haley, manager of library services for the united counties of Stormont, Dundas and Glengarry, said the ban on crafts was put on place because the municipality is revamping its 18 library branches in an effort to attract more people and needs to be more literacy-focused to achieve that end.

However, riddle me this!

She said the library’s new fall lineup includes teen book clubs and Scrabble nights. The library will also be holding some events not focused on literacy, such as video game nights, to attract a younger crowd.

But under the new plan, there will no longer be a space for Kingston Currie and the other girls, aged six to 10, who used to sit around a table teasing yarn into organized patterns and items with crochet hooks and pairs of needles.

I’m all for video game nights, but kicking out the knitting girls and keeping the gaming seems somewhat — well, the most polite word that comes to mind is shortsighted. Way to market, guys! (Perhaps they’re just concerned about “weirdo programming diversity?”)

Consumerism and customer service

Every once in a while, I think about my own experiences as a customer/consumer and the lessons we can learn from our daily lives. Just recently, for instance:

The good: I purchased a Pur faucet filter attachment for my kitchen, which sprang a leak after just a couple of months of use. So, I went to the Pur website, found out they’re owned by P&G (isn’t everything?), and shot them an email message. Two hours later I had a response; 1.5 weeks later I received a coupon for a free replacement filter. Now that’s customer service.

The bad: I ordered the Wii Fit on the Toys R Us website the other day, since they were one of the few retailers showing it in stock. Two days later, they notified me it was actually indefinitely backordered. Since I’m a slow learner, I then ordered a new diaper bag from them yesterday. Today, I received an email that the item is unavailable and has been cancelled — and, to add insult to injury, the bag is still showing in stock on their site.

The annoying: With two small kids in the house, we don’t get out a lot, so we’ll have a “date night” consisting of carryout + Netflix. There’s an Outback Steakhouse quite close to our house, and we often used their online ordering service … until it abruptly stopped working about 4 months back with a message that the service was “temporarily unavailable.” About a month ago, I emailed to see when it might be back up, and got a generic email back saying that they’re sorry, but the online ordering feature “is unavailable at this time.” We’d noticed. This seems a small issue, but: You call Outback Steakhouse, you get put on hold for 5 minutes, then your order is taken by a very brusque person who inevitably gets part of it wrong. So now our “date night” conversations often go like this: “Want to get Outback?” “It’s not worth the hassle, let’s get XYZ instead.”

The neat: Speaking of Netflix, they recently announced a new box from Roku that allows you to easily stream unlimited “watch it now” online video to your TV. (Ours is, of course, on backorder.) While most current content isn’t available on “watch it now” (thank you, Hollywood licensing) this seems like it will be an awesome supplement and an easy way to watch older material when we’re waiting for DVDs to arrive. Right now I have 16 “watch it now” titles in my queue, and that’s without even trying; I’m hoping this inspires us to drop DirecTV down a tier.

The addictive: Starbucks launched some kind of new brew about a month ago — darned if I can tell the difference — but they gave away “free coffee Wednesday” promo cards at the time, good for free tall coffees every Wed. for a month. Apparently, I can drink a lot of coffee on a Wednesday… But, that aside, now I’ve established a habit: Wednesday = coffee day. Today’s the last day for their little card, but I’m guessing my association with coffee Wednesdays might last a bit longer.

The headslapping: I purchased some items at Kohl’s using a gift card, so my total out-of-pocket expense came to $.64. I gave the cashier $.75, and she accidentally punched in $75.00 — and froze like a deer in the headlights. “We need to VOID THIS TRANSACTION!” I say: “Why don’t you just give me the $.11 in change, the register will still come out even?” “HOW DO YOU KNOW IT’S $.11! We need to just VOID it!” Meanwhile, the line backs up behind me while we wait for a manager to come and re-ring the entire transaction and give me back my… $.11. “How did you know?!”

The smart: I recently decided it was time to register LISjobs.com as a business, so filed a DBA with my local county. The other day, I received a letter from my local library (actually, not my library, since I’m in an unincorporated area and out of district, but I’m guessing they go by ZIP code…) which welcomed me to the area, listed the business-related services the library provides, invited me to come introduce myself to their adult services department, and enclosed a brochure on “improving your bottom line.” Now that’s a good marketing idea.

So, what have I learned just from observing my own reactions?

  • People are willing to put up with minor annoyances (our Netflix box on backorder…) for long-term gain.
  • People are not willing to put up with minor annoyances (yes, you, Outback Steakhouse) when a viable and easy alternative exists. We have a lot of restaurants within a couple of miles of us; Outback’s generic response, rude phone service, and repeated errors has in large part cost them our business (even though my husband’s an Atkins-ish carnivore).
  • People may forgive you once (I’m talking to you, Toys R Us!), but you likely won’t get a third chance.
  • Loyalty can be easily earned. P&G is out a faucet attachment, but gained a repeat customer — those filters have to be replaced fairly often.
  • Small gestures can create enormous goodwill. Getting the letter from my local library gave me a warm and fuzzy feeling (they noticed! they care!), at minimal cost to them. Getting free weekly coffee for a month reinforced the Starbucks habit I’d actually been trying to kick.
  • Frontline staff make the biggest impression. I’ll still shop at Kohl’s, but I’ll be avoiding that cashier’s line from now on: pay attention when you’re hiring at every level.
  • Make it easy for the customer. I’ve been looking for a simple way to get Netflix content to the TV, since watching on the laptop or at my desk doesn’t really cut it. By taking the step to make it simple, Netflix has created a long-term customer: I have a more positive feeling about Netflix, and, having invested in the box, I’m much less likely to switch to Blockbuster or whatever other competitor comes along.

If we pay attention, lessons in customer service and marketing can be found a lot of our daily interactions.

DVDs!

Bob Watson notes in a comment to a previous post:

The circ department here thinks there’s been a spike in our DVD circ due to the writer’s strike.

What a great marketing opportunity! Why not create a display of your TV series on DVD, with signage saying something like “Writer’s Strike Got You Down? Find some ‘New To You’ Series!”

Alli-yi-yi

My non-librarian lists are abuzz with the OTC release of alli. If you haven’t heard of this, it’s a new FDA-approved lower-strength dose of Xenical, a prescription weight-loss drug that prevents the absorption of some of the fat in your diet. I think we could take a marketing lesson from these people — check out what they list under “treatment effects:”

alliâ„¢ works by preventing the absorption of some of the fat you eat. The fat passes out of your body, so you may have bowel changes, known as treatment effects. You may get:

  • gas with oily spotting
  • loose stools
  • more frequent stools that may be hard to control

What to expect

The excess fat that passes out of your body is not harmful. In fact, you may recognize it as something that looks like the oil on top of a pizza. Eating a low-fat diet lowers the chance of these bowel changes. Limit fat intake in your meals to an average of 15 grams.

  • You may feel an urgent need to go to the bathroom. Until you have a sense of any treatment effects, it’s probably a smart idea to wear dark pants, and bring a change of clothes with you to work
  • You may not usually get gassy, but it’s a possibility when you take alli. The bathroom is really the best place to go when that happens

Leaving aside the fact that delving too deeply into these effects might put you off eating to the point where you don’t need drugs, people are excited about taking this stuff. What can we learn from this, aside from the importance of wearing dark pants?

1) The power of positive spin. Alli suggests users might appreciate these “treatment effects” because they act like a “security guard,” making you think twice before eating something you shouldn’t — kind of the Antabuse approach to diet.

2) If people want what you have to offer badly enough, they’ll put up with a heck of a lot to get it. Alli’s work is mostly done in advance, given our cultural obsession with weight. How do we get to the point where our services are seen as being this essential?

3) The power of community. When users buy alli, they’re not just buying pills, they’re buying into a customized weight loss plan, an online community where dieters receive personalized feedback and support, and the idea that they are “partnering” with alli in their weight loss efforts. Even the name — pronounced “ally” — implies partnership.

4) People are willing to pay for what they value. A 60-pill alli starter pack costs about $49.99, and you’re supposed to take about 3 a day. Its manufacturer expects to sell about $1.5 billion worth this year.

5) There are companion books out — if you work in a public library, you might anticipate demand, or might anticipate a little run on weight-loss and nutrition books in general. Make a display!

6) People love a quick fix. Again, where here can we show that we add value and quickly meet people’s needs?

7) People, apparently, appreciate candor. The manufacturer is pretty upfront about alli’s effects, positive spin or no, and puts the information right out there. How about that for embracing transparency?

Some of these may be more of a stretch than others — but there really are marketing lessons to be learned here. Check out alli’s slick little web site; look at the language and images they use; think about the implications.