The Witching Hour: Or, Parenting, Librarianship, and Generations, all in one 3AM Witch’s Brew
While up last night — again — at 3:00 AM with a sick preschooler, many things crossed my mind. Most at the time seemed more inspired and more pertinent to librarianship and more connected than they now seem in the light of day. So bear with me. I’m focused a bit more on parenting than on librarianship today, but a sick and unhappy kid will do that to you.
I have been thinking about recent discussions on the librarian stay-at-home-parents group and with librarian mom friends who have felt marginalized or driven out of their positions after giving birth. (One of my former library school classmates — one of the most dynamic and committed librarians I know — was planning to go back part-time after maternity leave. She had a schedule worked out with her supervisor, had childcare worked out, and then received a call the week before her return telling her she had to work more and different hours than originally discussed. Rather than scrambling to find and spend her whole salary on new daycare arrangements, she quit.)
We tend to assume much more flexibility in female-dominated professions than really exists. And yes, I do read, and I do understand the trends, and I’ve seen the tendency for women to be more competitive with each other, the less there is at stake. I’ll revisit this again when I’m more awake — maybe when the boy turns 30 — but, for now, let’s just add this to the list of things that frustrate me about the profession, and add telecommuting and job sharing and better benefits for part-timers and better attitudes towards working parents to part of what I’d like to add, should I ever run the zoo.
Oh yeah, and an office with a real door that shuts, for me… as long as we’re dreaming!
So, because these sorts of things are on my mind, I tend to take up some light reading like Rhona Mahoney’s Kidding Ourselves: Breadwinning, Babies, and Bargaining Power. This makes me even more tired, but then I run across this quote:
“When people believe that the fact that Gerry is a woman conveys some information about her, they believe that, on average, women behave, think, and feel in ways that are distinctive and roughly predictable. They use everything they’ve ever seen or heard about women to build a picture in their minds about women on average. That picture influences their expectations about particular women (22).”
A ha! thinks my tired brain. This also sums up one part of what I’ve been trying to say about generational issues: that the stereotypes people hold of given generations in themselves make generational issues worth looking at. If an employer or a colleague makes assumptions about what I know and what I can do and how I am going to behave based solely on my age, that’s going to affect their interactions with me and the projects I am given and whether or not I’m hired in the first place.
Again, something to revisit later. But I’ve run across a lot of librarians who think any discussion of generational issues is somehow either ageist or irrelevant — the above summarizes one reason why I do believe it’s important to have these discussions, and why I think we can have them without resorting to unproductive “my generation is cooler than yours” statements.
Ayanna:
Hi, Rachel. I am a friend of Louise’s, so we should be friends, somehow, especially since I have a preschooler. Anyway, yes, those stereotypes totally exist — I’m writing about them right now, actually. (How do you write with a kid and a house and a husband and a job? Tell me the secret…) I just moved from Illinois, but my in-laws are moviing there, so maybe we can meet someday. Good luck with brain-thinking stuff. ALA can take their corps…
(if i had $1,000,000/i’d buy you a green dress/but not a real green dress, that’s cruel)
7 April 2006, 11:53 pmRachel:
Hi Ayanna – I have to like any friend of Louise’s! I remember seeing you on lists — formerly somewhere in Elmhurst, right? I keep running across people who are leaving IL, maybe you know something I don’t… (And I clicked through to your MySpace — know any good yoga classes around here? I need to find a new one
)
How do I write? Well, I quit my day job… and send the kid to preschool… and gave up sleeping… I don’t have a good answer for that, other than you make room for the things that are important.
10 April 2006, 1:51 amAnonymous:
I totally concur with this. I am the mom of a toddler and my library is so incredibly inflexible when it comes to scheduling and MPOW has strictly female leadership. The director, assistant director and dept. heads are all women and all seem determined to drive myself and the other new Mom on staff to quit because we can’t meet their demands to work every third weekend and 2 nights per week.
In addition, I am no longer invited to sit on committees or take part in strategic planning. It is assumed I am in Mommy mode and have no value.
I wish I didn’t have to be anonymous on this, but I know this will get back to my boss if I am not and we are already in a big struggle.
Thanks for raising the issue.
11 April 2006, 2:24 amDorothea:
Not to be dismissive, but to try to offer an alternate perspective:
What can you give your colleagues in return for the undesirable shifts you (along with everybody else) don’t want to work? What concessions can you win for everybody, not just you?
Make common cause with your colleagues. Don’t go at this as a family issue, even though for you it is. Make it an issue of EVERYBODY’s work-life balance, and things might go smoother.
I say this, of course, as an intentionally childless woman who dislikes the assumption that I have no life outside work.
11 April 2006, 1:21 pmAnonymous:
I have a toddler and work full-time running a small library.
I have a part-time librarian on staff who’s a few years older than me and has 3 kids.
Her schedule is flexible, she gets lots of time off in the summer, we started her at the high end of the pay range so she could afford child care, etc. I respect her position (and often wish I’d found a job like this for myself 2 years ago). BUT — last week she decided to bring her kids to work (they had spring break) without clearing it with me first.
With her, I addressed it as an issue related to our unattended child policy, which I think staff should follow. I made it clear that she needs to make child care arrangements for events like spring break (time to plan), and that emergency situations (sick child, etc.) need to be discussed with me before we all show up for the day’s work.
I’m still angry with her. I have made more accomodations for her than I have for myself, and it’s hard to respect someone who doesn’t respect you in return.
Dorothea is right – and I will only add that public library work is not, never has been, and never will be “family friendly.” We work the most when everyone else isn’t and the kids are out of school.
Everyone has a life outside work. Small children make huge demands, I totally know that, but you cannot assume that being the parent of one means you deserve preferential treatment.
12 April 2006, 6:04 pmRachel:
What Dorothea said: I completely agree that work/life balance is not an issue unique to parents. What I was more trying to get at, though, was the sense that some libraries seem to go out of their way to be inflexible; in my friend’s case, it was pretty apparent they were trying to push her out after she gave birth. They both changed and increase her hours the week before she was supposed to come back and expected her to find childcare at the drop of a hat — and, when she then quit, they seemed quite pleased.
To anonymous library director: You’re right — your employee should never have assumed that spring break was “bring your children to work” week without clearing it with you. Being flexible doesn’t mean letting yourself be taken advantage of.
To anonymous mom of a toddler: Thank you for sharing your story — This is unfortunately something that I hear from a lot of people (being pushed out of planning and decision-making roles after having children), and part of what I was getting at in the original post.
12 April 2006, 7:40 pmAnonymous:
It is me, the anonymous toddler Mom. I just want to clarify a few things.
I have been at my current library for nearly 10 years. I was single when I was hired and for many years I worked extra nights, and I always worked Mother’s Day and Father’s Day as well as other holidays that we were open.
When I was hired there were others on staff with young children who never had to work nights. One even got to work every day from 7-3 so that she could get home for her daughter after school. Another was taken off the weekend rotation for a year because of childcare issues.
I assumed I was working in a family friendly place and that when my time came the same would be extended to me. We had a male director when I was first hired… 4 years ago we got a female director and that is when things changed. We are basically told to deal with it or move on.
I guess that is what is leaving me a bit bitter about this all. I am willing to work hard, and I am willing to do extra hours on the reference desk or other favors. I just need a short term shift in my hours but it will not be forthcoming and it stresses me to no end.
Thanks for letting me vent.
13 April 2006, 2:24 am