I have been at my current library for nearly 10 years. I was single when I was hired and for many years I worked extra nights, and I always worked Mother’s Day and Father’s Day as well as other holidays that we were open.

When I was hired there were others on staff with young children who never had to work nights. One even got to work every day from 7-3 so that she could get home for her daughter after school. Another was taken off the weekend rotation for a year because of childcare issues.

I assumed I was working in a family friendly place and that when my time came the same would be extended to me. We had a male director when I was first hired… 4 years ago we got a female director and that is when things changed. We are basically told to deal with it or move on.

I guess that is what is leaving me a bit bitter about this all. I am willing to work hard, and I am willing to do extra hours on the reference desk or other favors. I just need a short term shift in my hours but it will not be forthcoming and it stresses me to no end.

Thanks for letting me vent.

To anonymous library director: You’re right — your employee should never have assumed that spring break was “bring your children to work” week without clearing it with you. Being flexible doesn’t mean letting yourself be taken advantage of.

To anonymous mom of a toddler: Thank you for sharing your story — This is unfortunately something that I hear from a lot of people (being pushed out of planning and decision-making roles after having children), and part of what I was getting at in the original post.

I have a part-time librarian on staff who’s a few years older than me and has 3 kids.

Her schedule is flexible, she gets lots of time off in the summer, we started her at the high end of the pay range so she could afford child care, etc. I respect her position (and often wish I’d found a job like this for myself 2 years ago). BUT — last week she decided to bring her kids to work (they had spring break) without clearing it with me first.

With her, I addressed it as an issue related to our unattended child policy, which I think staff should follow. I made it clear that she needs to make child care arrangements for events like spring break (time to plan), and that emergency situations (sick child, etc.) need to be discussed with me before we all show up for the day’s work.

I’m still angry with her. I have made more accomodations for her than I have for myself, and it’s hard to respect someone who doesn’t respect you in return.

Dorothea is right – and I will only add that public library work is not, never has been, and never will be “family friendly.” We work the most when everyone else isn’t and the kids are out of school.

Everyone has a life outside work. Small children make huge demands, I totally know that, but you cannot assume that being the parent of one means you deserve preferential treatment.

What can you give your colleagues in return for the undesirable shifts you (along with everybody else) don’t want to work? What concessions can you win for everybody, not just you?

Make common cause with your colleagues. Don’t go at this as a family issue, even though for you it is. Make it an issue of EVERYBODY’s work-life balance, and things might go smoother.

I say this, of course, as an intentionally childless woman who dislikes the assumption that I have no life outside work.

In addition, I am no longer invited to sit on committees or take part in strategic planning. It is assumed I am in Mommy mode and have no value.

I wish I didn’t have to be anonymous on this, but I know this will get back to my boss if I am not and we are already in a big struggle.

Thanks for raising the issue.

How do I write? Well, I quit my day job… and send the kid to preschool… and gave up sleeping… I don’t have a good answer for that, other than you make room for the things that are important.

(if i had $1,000,000/i’d buy you a green dress/but not a real green dress, that’s cruel)